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Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Twisted World of Tory Tycoon Duncan

Alan Duncan Twist: Please, sir, I want some more.
Mr Bumble: More?
ADT: Yes, sir, I want some more.
Mr B: But you’ve already had so much that the other little boys have had to go without.
ADT: Please, sir, I want some more.
Mr B: Alan, you know fine well that in this workhouse the food allowance is exceedingly generous, obscene even.
ADT: I want some more.
Mr B: But you’ve eaten such glutinous quantities that you’ve puked a stream of semi-digested gruel all over the other little boys.
ADT: Read my frikkin lips fat boy – I…want…some…more!
Mr B: But if you carry on the way you’re going you’ll end up grossly overweight, obese -- distended like the carcass of a whale washed up on a sweltering beach.
ADT: I’m going to ask you one more time…Please, sir...

Mr B: No Alan Duncan Twist, you’ve had enough!
ADT: Christ! You people treat us like s***! I can’t live on these rations!

Apologies to Charles Dickens for this tenuous conceit, but you get the gist. I mean, who in the wide, wide world of nationwide Matalan stores does Alan Duncan think he is? I know what I think of him. He’s a creep: an odious, self-important, slimy, worst-kind-of-Tory tosser.

You may think I’m being unfair but consider this. Alan Duncan believes that despite earning a basic wage of £64,000 (which is more than two-and-a-half times the average wage in the UK); and taking full advantage of the ludicrous system of MPs’ expenses (the reform of which is wholly inadequate); and being a very wealthy man anyway (money made in oil, appropriately enough, before he even entered parliament), this self-satisfied smirk-on-legs thinks MPs are being forced to “live on rations” post Expensesgate. Rations!

The statement is so ludicrous it would be funny if it weren’t so nauseating. The fact that it highlights the egregious nature of Alan Duncan isn’t the point. What it says about our allegedly representative democracy should make even the most docile and apathetic reach for the nearest blunt instrument or pointy thing (or gun, if you live in London, Nottingham, Liverpool or Manchester) and march on Westminster, demanding revolution.

Why? Because Mr Duncan’s appalling view is shared by many other MPs. These MPs think they are worthy and capable of representing the wider public. Yet Mr Duncan and many of his colleagues have no idea whatsoever of how the people they claim to work for actually live. These public ‘servants’ have no clue what money means to their poorer ‘masters’. They have no conception of the fact that one unexpectedly large bill can cripple a household’s finances.


But it’s worse than this. Alan Duncan and his ilk don’t want to know; they don’t give a hoot how real people live; they really don’t give a damn. If this sounds harsh, it really isn’t. The truth could be even more despicable: that they do know what a desperate struggle making ends meet is for many people but they see themselves as superior and deserving of better lifestyles, much like the nobility of old. It would be easy to draw the conclusion that Alan Duncan is not in parliament to make things better for the people he represents, but he’s there because he wants a level of power commensurate with the puffed up image he has of himself. Parliament is a magnet to the most self-important and hubristic among us.

Even the MPs who aren’t as obviously grasping and out-of-touch as Alan Duncan don’t do what they’re paid to do, i.e. represent their contituents. They vote for whatever they’re told to vote for by their party leaderships, with only a few notable exceptions. And the agenda of the party leaderships is to do whatever they think will please the 200,000 or so swing voters in key marginal constituencies. So we have MPs who don’t care and MPs who don’t put their constituents’ wishes first. There are nearly 650 of these people. What on earth do we pay them all for?

As for Alan Duncan, he says MPs are “treated like s***”. If my wish were granted he would be...literally! The sooner we flush Tory turds like him out of our parliamentary system, the sooner the stink of corruption, hypocrisy and greed would leave the corridors of Westminster Palace.

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